Looking Back

Here it is, the eve of my 30th birthday.... and while it is technically already my birthday, that screws up the feeling of the blog, so let's just pretend that it's still the 20th.... As you were.

So, as I was saying, it's the night before my 30th birthday. My guests from the pre-party have mostly gone home, with the exception of Cindy and the girls, who are sleeping in various parts of the house. I am tired, and not too long ago I was sleeping in my recliner with Logan in my arms as we finished watching Napolean Dynamite. Minutes ago I was walking down the boulevard to feed my horses their [belated] evening meal (and good thing, because the old man was closed in a stall for some weird reason). I'm yawning and wishing I was in bed, but also I am thinking.

My adult life so far has hardly been the best years of my life, which I find sad in many ways. Never really given a proper chance to be free and figure out adulthood on my own. Hurting inside, and looking for comfort in the wrong places. Angry and bitter, and not the kind of mother I would like to be. Heavy and sad and feeling insignificant. Suffocated by the pressure of the needs of my children. Not sure who I am in the broad (or even narrow) scheme of the universe. All of that and a lot more. All of that and so much more.

I would like to do a do-over. Or would I?

This is such a difficult question, because I am absolutely where I want to be, living on the very hills I used to roam as a small child. Among family, which is mostly a blessing. I have three beautiful children who are equal parts annoying and miraculous. My husband would do anything for me and give me the world on a silver platter. And I still want a do-over?

Can I have the do-over and end up in the same place, but on my own terms? Can I skip the shame and pain of ostracizm I will likely feel until my final breath? I know the answer, but I so often wish this were possible. I want the intoxication of being in love with my life and my situation, and by all accounts it would seem that it is all going my way, but my scars are deep and they have made me who and what I am now.

I stand here at the threshhold of a new decade. My thirties. I am frightened that they will be like my twenties, and I am scared of the insecurity I am feeling in regards to several areas of my life. But I am also praying, praying that this will be the decade where I figure out how to live life.

And I'm really tired now and can't think of what I want to say next, so I'm going to sign off for the night (morning).

To-Do.... and a Big Rant.

It would be seriously really nice if someone could tell me where to start. I really need to clean my house but have negative motivation to do so... And I would just continue being lazy except for the fact that I think we have about four people coming over Thursday evening. Likely these people won't care what my house looks like, but I do find the dog-hair tumbleweeds to be pretty disturbing, personally.

On a totally unrelated note....

It has come to my attention that some members of my family think that I have an issue with Billy riding his four-wheeler, and have taken to pointing out that my horses cost waaay more than the four-wheeler--and also that they are just as dangerous, if not moreso. Naturally, these discussions take place when I'm not around, but do get mentioned to me because my husband is a fellow over-sharer. If you all are reading this (and I'm guessing you're not, but here goes anyway!).... The point is NOT that it is expensive to repair Billy's ATV, which he seems to have to do with alarming frequency. The point is that I am little freaked out of the possibility of my husband maiming or killing himself. What he knows and does best is hard, manual labor, and if he seriously injures himself, we are in HUGE, HUGE trouble. If he kills himself, I will lose everything. Even if he injures himself lightly but is unable to do heavy labor for a few weeks, we are still in trouble. These are the joys of self-employment!! Do I think he should still ride his quad? Absolutely. I take some issue in the choices of terrain (i.e., rock climbing in WV), even though I realize that often he is his own worst enemy and his most serious fall happened on relatively flat ground. So, even though it is not your decision to make, don't believe that I told him he had to give it all up. I didn't and I wouldn't, just as he did would not ask me to give up the horses or riding. Howver, I did ask him to consider what would happen to our family should he fall off a mountain or be crushed to death under his quad. That is all.

Off to clean. Or something.

Oh.... and DO check out my links on the side of my blog--especially links for the T-Tapp website and The Grocery Game. If you do happen to sign up for a trial at The Grocery Game, mention me! I'd love free credit there!

The Letdown

The T-Tapp 60-day challenge ended last Wednesday, and I have sort of been in a funk ever since. Well, not really a FUNK.... but disappointed in myself. I was doing soooo awesome the first 30 days, and then I sort of feel like I lost all control and started hurtling back into my natural tendency of emotional eating. Maybe it was the four pounds I lost in one day when I had the flu a few weeks ago? I don't know. It just seems like since the two weeks we had the flu here that I ate practically everything I could get my hands on. Thankfully my measurements were still down, but not as much as I had hoped considering how hard I worked. The important thing is that I made a concentrated effort and really did make a change in my body right before hardcore swimsuit season, and got down to my goal of being a size 10.

I'm a little scared that I'll be out of the running because I don't know if I entered the correct category. When I look in the mirror I don't generally feel like I'm smaller, even though I obviously am (it is hard to believe I was a size 18 or 16 at this time last year!!).... so I feel like I'm not a less-to-lose person. I still feel like I could go down at least another size. But what if I CAN'T? Or I shouldn't? I really wish that I had done the skeletal set point when the T-Tapp office offered it a couple years ago.... it would've helped me figure out what I do now, now that I've met my goal. Do I make a new one? Or do I maintain? What do I do??!!