Angry Eyebrows

You know, I generally get along with everyone.... but today I want to be left alone, mostly. Or, at least, I want the people who want to get a hold of me to stop asking me to do things for them. For today, at least. Kthanxbai.

Your Hands

I'm tired. What a wild weekend.... I feel like I was going, going, going all weekend.

Sunday morning, I sang the song in the video below. Looking around the congregation, I saw so many people in tears, I couldn't keep myself from crying near the end of the song.




We just don't understand what God's motives are for the craziness that happens in our lives. Sometimes, when I am helping tidy after a baby is born, I think about how special this moment is.... and I think about all of the brokenness that the sweet new baby will encounter in his or her lifetime. It makes me sad to think about it. No one gives birth, and, smiling down on their newborn, thinks, "Someday he's going to be an alcoholic!" or "Someday she's going to be in an abusive relationship!" It breaks my heart to think of how dark reality can be.

I have to hand it over to God and trust that He is in control.

I'm official... and reminiscing.

So I got an e-mail from DONA saying that I'm a certified birth doula as of 11/9/10. Last I checked, I wasn't on the directory yet, and the way everything else has gone, I don't expect it to happen immediately. I am relieved, and now I can get on with it. I should've been using my wait time to put together handouts and whatnot, but I've had a really hard time wrapping my mind around that.

Have had the New Moon soundtrack on repeat for a few days. When I come in and out of my room I get to enjoy the music. It never gets old, and it still stirs up many of the same feelings it did when the movie first came out about a year ago. Part of me hopes that never changes, that I will remember and that I will always find a strange sort of solace in this music and that movie. I'm sure, as with all things, it will fade in my memory..... but I am not looking forward to it. I know it's weird, my connection to this movie, but I can't explain it. The timing of its release was impeccable, and had I seen it just days earlier, I don't know that it would have meant that much to me. Don't judge me.

How things have changed in this year! All I can say is that I have learned so much about so many things. I feel like I have had no choice but to become well-weathered. And my once-rigid views on so many things have had to bend and readjust.... It has been a wild social experiment, to say the least.

Okay, the song that plays when the credits are rolling just came on, and I'm taking it as a celestial hint. Until next time....

Fall...ing

I feel an ever-increasing isolation. Right now, I'm not depressed about it, but I'm suddenly very aware of it.

Frustrated

You ever feel like nothing you do turns out right? That's the way I feel practically all the time. No matter how hard I try to make things happen for me and my family, financially, the more people just don't take it seriously. I should use that negative energy for my benefit.... but I'm just not there yet. Right now I am fighting a return trip to the natural PB and another mini chocolate chip cookie (both strict no-no's for me right now). Emotional eating is. THE. BEST.

This morning I was feeling very accomplished by getting my doula website up and going, but I've kind of plummeted since, and I don't know why.

Yup, I'm a Sucker.

Read between the lines, there.

Go Ahead, Tell Me I'm a Sucker

I just got back from a nice evening with a friend I've made over the Interweb. She and I have been acquaintances for about four years, since we first "met" through the exercise program I do (though not recently, shhhhh!), T-Tapp. Anywho.... She lives in Indiana, and I do not, therefore we have only discussed planning an eventual meet-up all of these four years. Well, today it finally happened. She was in town for an event for her business, Arbonne, where they were awarding some lady a Mercedes and a lot of bling, and she invited me to go. We went to dinner afterwards and had a genuinely lovely time. Those Internet connections can be so scary. In my teens, when the Internet was brand new and such a novelty, I used to meet people all the time, and most of my meetings were abysmal at best. Not all, but a majority. So when I say that I get nervous about meeting people I've only been virtual friends with, know that I already went through that phase in my life and it thoroughly scares me to do it now. All is well that ends well, thankfully. I am not in a woodchipper somewhere, and I didn't really have to stretch for topics of conversation. Woo.

But, is it bad of me that I'm considering selling Arbonne?

Wrapping Things Up

Birth three down. Just working on DONA paperwork now, which I could totally do without.

We drove up to Grayling yesterday for Billy's aunt's funeral. She had battled cancer for a long time, but didn't allow anyone to know how ill she actually was until two weeks before she passed away. Billy wasn't able to go up to see her because there was just no time, but it may have been for the better. Billy wasn't really keen on seeing her because she looked so much like his Grandma, who also had cancer. Surprisingly, her service was quite religious, and the family member who officiated did give the plan of salvation. It was unexpected to both Billy and me because I didn't realize she was religious, and I do hope that it was true.... if only at the conclusion of her life. It was nice to spend some time with family we don't see much, I just wish it had been for a happier occasion. Gail not being in pain anymore is a pretty happy occasion, though, so there's always that.

That's all for now, I guess. No one checks this anymore, but it's okay. I'm used to talking mostly to myself. ;)

Backlog of babbling

So, it's been a while.

Lots of things happening here in Jen-land. Many of them good, some not-so-good.

I am kind of entering into a career. I always swore up and down that I would never work in the birth world like my older sister, and here I am.... Two births of three done for my doula certification. It's crazy, really. Nothing in my life has gone quite as smoothly as the certification process has gone for me, and I am wondering if this is God giving His thumbs-up. Or maybe God is just letting something in my life go smoothly since most things usually blow up in my face. I dunno. I am not really questioning it, just taking action. We will see where it ends up.

I have lost almost 35 pounds since April, putting me back at/below my pre-pregnancy weight. It's pretty darn exciting to me to feel like I look good in my skin again. I still have a few pounds to lose, but I am losing steam at the moment, so we shall see how much longer I can hold out before the heavy cream in my coffee wins out. Not that I don't enjoy using Frank's Red Hot for salad dressing, 'cuz I totally doooooo.....

I had a dear friend sever ties, and that sucks. Perhaps I am mistaken, but I find myself to be a pretty loyal friend. There was no winning this one, though, so I find my inner circle one person down. There aren't that many people who can tolerate me in large doses, so it really is a shame.

Isaac and Ethan were discharged from Occupational Therapy over the summer, but Hunter is still going to OT and Speech. Ethan still goes to Speech and his Social Group. It's kind of huge that the boys are getting discharged from stuff considering we've been going for so many years. I don't think I'll know what to do with myself if they ever are discharged from everything!

What else? What else? There must be SOMETHING, but I am turning into a pumpkin and am coming up blank.........

Eh?

You ever had anyone ask you how you were doing on your diet, only to not utter a sound--good or bad--when you tell them how many pounds you've lost? I actually had to say "Hello? You still there?" because I thought maybe my cell phone had dropped the call. So weird.

Today is a lot for me.

I had Jr. Church this morning. While I love the various kiddos that are in the class--the majority being relatives or pseudo-relatives--I don't particularly love teaching. Perhaps it would be different if I were more comfortable with it, but it is difficult to get comfortable with something you do only Sunday mornings two months of the year. What's worse is that the age range is from four years old to fourth grade. So, if I'm simplifying it for the little ones who have the attention span of gnats, the older kids are bored to tears. If I'm speaking to the older kids, the younger ones are all over the place and causing a ruckus. Now, add into that equation my Hunter and Ethan and subtract Billy's help, as he was running the sound board because Brian was out of town..... Ugh.

I am told my boys do fine when it's another adult leading the class, but they are not so great for me. Truth be told, this was the first time I've taught that Hunter was okay (beyond bursting into tears when I said I couldn't hear him when asked a question), but I'm attributing his okay-ness to the pastor's son being there to help (he is going to go to school to work with special needs kids, so he is really into helping the kids do well when he is able to). Ethan, on the other hand, was spending time with my mom and came into Jr. Church mid-lesson. I couldn't get him to sit, and all he wanted to do was draw on the dry-erase board behind me the whole time. Soooo distracting.

I felt myself absolutely lose the kids' attention about the appropriate time, so we stopped for snack. Somehow Ethan slipped past the three adults in the classroom and ran down the hall to my mom, who was sitting in the hallway. He proceeded to do this several times. Do you know how hard it is to leave a class full of kids to run down a ramped hallway in a skirt and flip-flops after a four-year-old? Rrrrgh.

Meanwhile, Logan is getting in massive trouble because he has drawn all over my nephew's arm (who did it in return) because he was angry with me for not letting him help in Jr. Church. He was confronted by my oldest sister after hiding in the men's bathroom during service. My hands were tied... but we did determine that Billy would not be available to do anything else but help me in Jr. Church next time. It's too hard the other way around.

We then went to Pizza Hut for lunch with most of my family, which I would normally be all for, EXCEPT I'm dieting. And not just any diet, but the mother-of-all restrictive diets, the HCG diet. No, that's not code for "I'm pregnant".... and no, I don't really want to say much about it other than I'm only allowed certain proteins, veggies, fruits, and a eeensy bit of milk each day. No sugar, no starches, no soda, no movie-theater popcorn, no peanut butter. Yeah, it's tough. But it's working, and I'm feeling pretty fabulous except for the fact that I miss my movie-theater popcorn/"New Moon" days a lotta bit. Anywhooo, I can't even justify a single trip to the salad bar because I can't have any salad dressing and I had a hard time wrapping my mind around paying $2.99 for a bowl of either lettuce or cucumbers, since I can't eat both veggies at the same meal. I knew my eating was gonna throw the kaibosh into the afternoon anyway, but it ended up to be crazy busy at the restaurant. People were everywhere, there were not enough workers, and it was horribly loud.... I was almost jumping out of my skin watching all of it. I was pretty relieved to get the heck out of there with the baby and Hunter early.... until I ran into the traffic jam on my way home (and sweet, sweet lunch).

I finally got home (a couple incidents later), and spent the rest of the day trying to hermit myself away. I can't talk to any of my family without snapping, so I figure it's probably best I stay far, far away, right? Billy, still in charge of the sound tonight, took the older boys to church and left Isaac and I here to enjoy quiet. And I am.

This comes after a frustrating morning yesterday while we were with Ethan at the rock climbing gym. I was going to go watch him to see if I could get him to participate with his class, since Billy usually takes him and keeps telling me he won't do what the rest of the class is doing. It ended up that everyone but Logan went. It was a big ol' mess trying to get out of the house.... but anyhow....

Ethan did well until the end part of class where they were going to climb the "big wall". The first time he got up to get tied in and climb, he got scared and ran off. I finally got him to come back and we waited for a turn, but other kids who had already gone several times kept jumping up to go next--or the kids who could climb up very far or took a long time to climb were getting multiple climbs. By the time he was able to get up to the rope, they ended the class and he didn't get to climb at all. We drove an hour each way and spent $10 for him to stretch, basically. It just made me so angry because the teachers have no idea how to deal with children with his issues and they didn't even make an effort to make sure everyone got a climb in or kids were getting as equal climb time as possible. I guess the teacher that used to teach the class knew a lot about kids with sensory issues, but she's not there anymore and the new teachers are barely passable for normal-functioning kids. I was boiling in my skin while I was watching it, which isn't my normal reaction to wrongs I feel have been done. I'm pretty sure it's just PMS, but it's baaaad right now.

My knee-jerk reactions are to hermit, do some major retail therapy, and stuff my face. I don't know if tilapia and roasted daikon radish (which didn't turn out well, booo!) really compares with movie-theater popcorn or chocolate chip cookies, but the last thing I need is to cheat and gain weight on top of the rest of the mess I am feeling like.

Hi there.

Wanna..... write.

I'm feeling like people are too busy right now to listen to me--and that's okay. It's really, really okay. It's just that I want to put words on a page, and I want people to read it and respond.

Well, and I wish people returned my phone calls, but that's okay, too. My "insignificance meter" is buzzing.

Seriously, Y'all.

I am having a day when I can't remember why I got married.

Not very long after I wrote the aforementioned blog, the hubby texts me and tells me that he is looking for a job and I will have to get a job, too. I am supposed to let him know what days and times he can work so he can tell prospective employers.

Okay.

So lemme get this straight. I am supposed to find a job to work nights so you can work all day while I'm home or at therapy with the kids. Or, find a job that is cool with me working in two-hour shifts most days of the week and putting kids in daycare. What exactly has he not figured out about my schedule??

The best I can come up with was a gracious offer from Wendy to let me clean up after her births when they happen to end in the middle of the night or very, very early morning. When I tell Billy this, he says, "That might work."

He called me just a minute ago, asking if I was still mad, and when I told him I wasn't happy, he told me I could call him back when I was happy. Then he hung up on me without saying good-bye.

I'm seriously, seriously, seriously at a loss.

I was never MAD at him before, I was worried about our situation. It doesn't seem like the correct response, to me, when someone says they aren't feeling provided for, to--in essence--say, "okay, I'm not sorry you feel that way, and, oh, by the way.... you get a job."

Earlier I was just feeling disappointed, now I'm absolutely livid.

Foot In Mouth Disease

You ever say something to someone, no matter how true it is or no matter how much that person needs to hear it, and immediately wish you'd kept your mouth shut? It seems to be happening to me a lot lately. It's not that I'm trying to mean or confrontational--though I may be both and I'm just in denial--but I am trying to be as honest as I possibly can. I spent most of the night in fitful sleep with a baby nursing most of the time, so I am cranky and frustrated. But I feel like this was something I needed to share all of the sudden.....

I told my husband that I didn't trust him to provide for me.

Yeah, really.

Cue the dramatic music and silence for the rest of the morning until he left for work without saying good-bye.

Before you say it, I'll say it. That was dumb of me. But not untrue. He has a job that is sketchy, in terms of financial gain, and has been sketchy for months. He spends a whole day away from me to net us a glorious $75 sometimes, and often he burns half of that in fuel just driving to and from the job. I've had to suck up my pride and ask for help with bills with disturbing frequency. So, no, I guess that deep down I don't trust him to provide, though I know he is trying and that he fervently loves us.

What would you have done? I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't personally contribute to our income at this point in time, but this job is barely paying. We seem to be stuck in limbo, waiting for our ship to come in, but I think maybe God is telling me that we can't wait anymore. I just wish I could have expressed it a little more gently....

Switzerland

I will disappoint by not giving more specifics into the "paradigm shift" I alluded to in my last post. I'm sorry, that's all I can say.

But I will say that I've had a rough weekend, and a good weekend, all rolled up into one. I erred on the side of virtual silence for most of the weekend, trying to clear the buzz in my head and my heart. I opted to stay with Billy during the evenings instead of going out with any of my girls. I slept as much as the baby would allow. I wore my pajamas until necessity forced me to wear something presentable. We stayed home from church to allow the kids one more day of rest before school because they all seem a little "off" still. It was nice--with the obvious exception of a grocery trip a couple of hours before the Superbowl, which was totally due to my lack of planning and made me want to hurt people. Lots and lots of people.

Billy and I talked quite a bit about the situation that is occurring, and the role I am taking in it. He told me that he has never been a fan of how I have handled similar situations in the past, and it is all news to me. I don't know why it is so surprising that I should be acting the same way I have always acted? This is not out of character for me, it's just the characters playing opposite of me just are of more consequence to him, I suppose. A dear friend (you know I love you) implied--or, at least, that was what I took it as--that they were hypocritical, my actions. I shut down. I just couldn't deal anymore.

I am not saying I agree with all--or even most--of the people in my life or their situations. I know I can't make the wrongs right. There is no magic wand to wave. Life is hard. But I know that I can listen, and I can fill a chair that would otherwise be empty because no one else wants to sit down. I have been there, and my life could have easily taken a different path. I know that, in the time that I wasn't living right at all, I didn't care if you didn't approve.... I just wanted to feel loved. In fact, I did what I did because I was feeling alone, and it continued because I was feeling alone.

I don't know what I'll do in the future. Sometimes I feel more passionately about something and then my resolve swings a different direction once I've had time to think or talk it out. It makes me sad that people I love don't understand my actions, and perhaps it is a case of no one else knowing what it was like to walk in my shoes way back then. It may not mean my responses are perfect--and I'm sure that's usually the case--but I am only human.

In this case, other people are or will be hurt, which I believe is the reason everyone is so up in arms about this.... I agree. I can't stand that thought, either, you know I can't. If I could take it all back, I would.

Alright, enough of this.

Disheartened

A real paradigm shift has been happening on the boulevard as of late. I am not so sure what to think of all of it, to be honest. I am making decisions, and it seems everyone is not okay all at the same time, no matter what direction I head. So I guess I am back to the beginning, back to neutral.

Thinking about blogging more seriously because I am enjoying writing so much.