Switzerland

I will disappoint by not giving more specifics into the "paradigm shift" I alluded to in my last post. I'm sorry, that's all I can say.

But I will say that I've had a rough weekend, and a good weekend, all rolled up into one. I erred on the side of virtual silence for most of the weekend, trying to clear the buzz in my head and my heart. I opted to stay with Billy during the evenings instead of going out with any of my girls. I slept as much as the baby would allow. I wore my pajamas until necessity forced me to wear something presentable. We stayed home from church to allow the kids one more day of rest before school because they all seem a little "off" still. It was nice--with the obvious exception of a grocery trip a couple of hours before the Superbowl, which was totally due to my lack of planning and made me want to hurt people. Lots and lots of people.

Billy and I talked quite a bit about the situation that is occurring, and the role I am taking in it. He told me that he has never been a fan of how I have handled similar situations in the past, and it is all news to me. I don't know why it is so surprising that I should be acting the same way I have always acted? This is not out of character for me, it's just the characters playing opposite of me just are of more consequence to him, I suppose. A dear friend (you know I love you) implied--or, at least, that was what I took it as--that they were hypocritical, my actions. I shut down. I just couldn't deal anymore.

I am not saying I agree with all--or even most--of the people in my life or their situations. I know I can't make the wrongs right. There is no magic wand to wave. Life is hard. But I know that I can listen, and I can fill a chair that would otherwise be empty because no one else wants to sit down. I have been there, and my life could have easily taken a different path. I know that, in the time that I wasn't living right at all, I didn't care if you didn't approve.... I just wanted to feel loved. In fact, I did what I did because I was feeling alone, and it continued because I was feeling alone.

I don't know what I'll do in the future. Sometimes I feel more passionately about something and then my resolve swings a different direction once I've had time to think or talk it out. It makes me sad that people I love don't understand my actions, and perhaps it is a case of no one else knowing what it was like to walk in my shoes way back then. It may not mean my responses are perfect--and I'm sure that's usually the case--but I am only human.

In this case, other people are or will be hurt, which I believe is the reason everyone is so up in arms about this.... I agree. I can't stand that thought, either, you know I can't. If I could take it all back, I would.

Alright, enough of this.