I'm better today, I think. My nephew Mat came over to watch a movie with me after the kids went to bed, and I did get to ride two of the ponies this morning--and only had to get up at 7 a.m., not 6 a.m. like it's been lately.

Logan stayed the night at a friend's house, and he came up to the barn just as I was cooling down (walking) Fansi, so I had him grab a helmet and hop on. I did this with a little apprehension because Fansi is, by far, the spookiest of my horses, but I was curious to see if she'd try to take advantage of Logan.... And she really was pretty good. He will never, ever be able to ride her anywhere else besides the enclosed area because she is demon-pony outside the confines of a fence, but I was happy to see that they did okay together. He liked that she was easier to steer and walked faster than Mariah, our palomino who has good days and bad days in regards to her soundness, and also likes to steer herself (and usually back to the barn).

Feeling a little less overwhelmed this afternoon, but I made it very clear to Logan that I was going to say something once and that was going to be the end of it. I am sick of him asking a question, me saying "no" OR "not right now", then asking again in two or three minutes. It is wearing on my nerves, and I am just putting my foot down. I can't do that. Anymore.

Right now I am waiting with baited breath to hear who is going to win the T-Tapp 60-day challenge. Teresa's publicist, Kitty, asked all of the participants to track down a bunch of addresses and phone numbers for our local big t.v. stations (ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX) and a couple newspapers so that they could try to contact them for publicity in case someone wins or is a runner-up. She has told us all that Teresa is judging all of the submissions now.......... and I'm pretty darn nervous about that. But if God wants me to go to the retreat (which was the prize for the contest winners), He will make a way for me to go. Kitty has just sent me the comparison page that Teresa is looking at, which includes all of my photos, measurements, and my essay. Pretty scary!

I need to get up and move, though. My butt is falling asleep!

Frazzled

And I was doing so well, too.

Today I am just mad at the world. It is probably because I am detoxing again after a not-so-great eating weekend. Yes, I'm back to eating my body weight in chickpeas. Mmm. Okay, so not really my bodyweight in chickpeas, but as I detox I do seem to have them with a meal nearly every day. I am on day two of my No-S diet/Extreme Fat Smash diet combo, working towards just getting back into my post-T-Tapp contest shape for a couple of weddings happening--including the wedding of my friend Laurel's little brother. And, some of you might know, Laurel's wedding last July was the motivation for me to begin my weight-loss journey. I've not seen her since last July, and I'm excited to see her now, 30 pounds lighter.... not because I think she'll gush about how great it is (although she probably will), but because it sort of signifies reclaiming my outer appearance. Now to work on my insides....

It is probably because I'm coming back down off from a very bad eating weekend (i.e., too many cookies, pieces of cake, etc.), which was fine, but now that I'm coming back down off the sugar and other crappy food I am super-agitated. I was alright yesterday, despite having most of the neighborhood at my house all day, feeding them all, refereeing them all, then taking them (along with my friend Cindy and her girls) to the local splash park--where I proceeded to chase Ethan around for the next two hours. It was far more tempting for him to run over to the giant staircase or go sit and play in the car than it was to play with the actual playground equipment or in the water area. This is what I had always suspected would be the case, and Cindy always assures me that it'll be alright because she will be there to help.... but by her being there to help, it just means that there's an adult to watch the kids actually playing while I run after Ethan repeatedly. Meh. Not my idea of a riot. I think that, all in all, the other kids had a good time, though.

Today I woke up and had therapy first thing, followed by Hunter's appointment at the allergist, where he actually had to be checked out by the doctor because his serum ran out with today's shot. Luckily we were only there for a little less than an hour total, but that meant that I'd been on the go for four hours with three kids. On the bright side, Logan and I did get to visit Barnes & Noble while the little guys were in OT, so Logan was able to find a new chapter book to read and a big honkin' cookie to eat since the kids didn't get breakfast before we ran out the door.

But now I am totally devoid of all patience. Logan woke me out of a perfect nice nap to ask if I could drive him to the splash park with the other kids. I told him I wasn't (besides, Ethan was still napping), so he proceeded to try to make a plan to ride with someone else. He was told he could go with Wendy and Becki, but then Wendy realized there wasn't room, so told him he couldn't go...... all of this after he had ran back and forth to get towels and make my life miserable, in general.... all while I was trying to have a conversation with my mom, who is on a trip somewhere where cell phone reception is incredibly spotty. Part of me understands, and the other part of me was actually upset because I had just had their kids over for much of the afternoon and taken most of them to the splash park yesterday. Like I said, I am not in a good emotional state today.

I felt bad for the kid, I really did. He seems to get the brunt of blame because usually things are his fault. But not all of the time. So he is unfairly punished by all of us because people on the boulevard are sort of biased to think that when something goes wrong, it was his doing or he instigated it. He is so social, too, and takes things so personally. And I've been trying SO hard to work on my relationship with him lately, because I think that I expect so much from him, as an almost-ten-year-old.... And yet he has a mouth that just won't quit, and he keeps insisting on having the last word. I don't know what to do to deal with it, and oftentimes I just want to get away from him. I feel that I am making the wrong choices in parenting him, and I'm frankly afraid of the adult he will become if what we have here is the status quo from here on out.

But, anyway, I was trying a different approach as outlined by Dr. Leman in one of his parenting books......... and I was doing fairly well for quite a while, not raising my voice and dealing with things calmly.... But things have been so wacky here with all of the parties and cousins over. It's been a lot for me to try to regulate. And today my patience is just NOT THERE. Calmness flew out the window as soon as we stepped back in my house this afternoon. Well, really, it probably began with the splash park incident--but I've not recovered.

I want to sleep. I need to work out. I would love for my husband to be home to help out, but he's bringing home the bacon. And, more than anything, I would LOVE some chocolate chip cookies and my dark chocolate peanut butter right now, but that is off-limits for the next three weeks.