It's Oh So Quiet.... Shhhh.... Shhhh...

Quiet on the home front today. Hunter and Ethan were home sick, so I stayed in grubby clothes today and we all laid low, despite my initial plans to get a chiro adjustment and help the blacksmith with the horses (bless him, he managed it by himself, but it still made me feel guilty). Logan came home from school with his behavioral checklist and seemed to have a good day according to that and his verbal report. He and Lucas are having a sleepover at Wendy and Jayson's.

Breathing a sigh of relief for one non-hectic day down. Hope this weekend continues to go smoothly...

Just When I Thought Things Were Settling Down...

Today was so nice.

The little guys were tired all morning from staying up a smidge too late (well, 11:30 for Ethan, since we forgot to turn off his t.v. Oopsie!) and working their tails off in Occupational Therapy. Both of them dozed on the way to therapy, and were asleep when I pulled back in the driveway at home.

I stopped in to visit with my grandparents for a few minutes. Nice.

Hunter went off to school, and I ended up napping with Ethan who I discovered was running a fever (sorry, people I contaminated) instead of riding a horse like I was really hoping to do.

All in all life felt calm. A little TOO calm.

Minutes before Logan walks in the door, his teacher calls to tell me of the "quite serious" incidents that happened with Logan at their Science Center field trip today. These incidents included, but probably weren't limited to, him wandering away from his group several times, then blaming his chaperone (extremely rudely, including telling her to shut up because she got him in trouble with his teacher--which wasn't true, as his teacher was the one who discovered him away from his group)...... Have I covered all of it? Probably not.

The real kicker is, after I am done bursting into tears while on the phone with Wendy, whom I had been talking with when the teacher beeped in, Logan walks in the door very calmly. My plan was to act as normal as possible and see if he would offer up any info about his bad behavior. When I ask how his field trip was, he says it was fine in the same tone of voice he uses every day when I ask him how school went.

A few minutes ago, Logan asked if he could go visit his friend if it was alright. Without going into anything, really, I tell him absolutely not. He asks why, and I tell him he knows exactly why. His question is if this about something that happened at school. When I reply to him that I am not stupid, nor is he, he doesn't say anything else.

I am done. Done. D-O-N-E. I really don't want to deal with it anymore, but I know that's not an option. And I know this is small fries compared to other issues that people have with their kids, but I am totally and completely at a loss. I have tried all the approaches I know of to try, and none of it is working. He is demanding respect, which I have told him you are not inherently born with, it is something to be earned. He expects adults to treat him as equals, and that it is acceptable for him to treat them likewise. He is unable to take responsibility for his actions, and it is always someone else's fault if he is in trouble.

What is the purpose in this happening? I don't get it at all. And I know I need to address it tonight, but I just don't want to. I want to go far, far away and let the chips fall where they may. The other alternative that flashed in my mind was sending him to one of those juvie bootcamp places or personally making him start saying "yes sir/ma'am" or "no sir/ma'am" and making him do push-ups if he veered out of line. Perhaps that is too extreme, I dunno.

Sigh.

And One More Thing...........

I am really friggin' tired of my best friends living hours and hours away and being so stinkin' hard to get a hold of... It makes it hard to vent to those who understand me best. Perhaps I need to meet new friends in all of my spare time??

It makes me very grateful for those who do notice the panic in my words sometimes, and check up on me.

Okay, it is definitely PMS. LOL!

My Own Private Raincloud.

Today has been a doozy, emotionally. I'm willing to bet that it's partly PMS, but not completely. That being said, yes, I realize I have a good life. My challenges are not huge, nor are they insignificant. They are what they are, it just happens that my coping skills are not excellent lately, so every molehill is freakin' Everest. Call me a drama queen--I'll not deny it.

Billy seemed to be pretty irritated with me (well, and really the whole world, if I think about it long enough) this morning. My guess is he was not too thrilled that I left him at 8:30 last night to go to The Melting Pot with Christa (which, by the way, was just what I needed). This morning, he got Ethan on the bus, then proceeded to leave to get coffee and donuts with Hunter while I showered. Becki and I drank coffee at her house and chatted while he was getting cleaned up, and while I was there, Billy called to tell me that Logan had an upset stomach and needed to be picked up from school. (More on Logan later.... For now, I will focus on Billy). When I come home from picking up Logan, Billy is irritated and snippy. He decides to hide in our room with his iPod and take a nap or alternately stare at the ceiling. It was my choice just to leave him be and continue to go about my business. He leaves to go to work about 12:15 p.m.

As I said earlier, I picked Logan up from school this morning, against my better judgement. Logan has obviously been having issues at school and home the last few weeks. He came home from school last week for an upset stomach, too, so it's becoming sort of a ritual with him in these difficult times. He was visibly fine, and had the appetite of a horse, woofing down his entire packed lunch, a donut, an orange, an additional bag of chips, and whatever else he found that I didn't notice..... and proceeded to chase Hunter around and spin himself on Hunter's scooter board. Reeeeeeeal sick, Logs!! About three hours later, I brought him back to school to finish the day. I felt good about that, with the exception that I had to drive to school and back twice, when I should've just taken one look at him and left him in the first place. It's such a tricky line for me right now, though. He is struggling. I am for sure struggling. Being the bad guy isn't working, nor is being the best buddy (though that does seem to be easier!). Sigh.

All this while having my adult nephew, Jon, walk over for a visit.

None of this is really all that consequential, I know. It's just a little like the straw that broke the camel's back, especially after visiting with the psychologist yesterday and having to recap the business of Logan being born. My feeling is that I'm a pretty open person, but this was DIFFERENT. I wasn't sharing my experience antecdotally. I had to share the nuances of this horrible relationship (if that is what you call it) with someone I've met only once before. I joked with Christa that I felt like I was going to be psychoanalyzed, and in a way I really was. All in all, the meeting went fine and, I think, the psychologist got the info he needed... but at my expense. I was totally and absolutely, stick-a-fork-in-her done. Billy doesn't get it. He sees me shut down like this, desperate to go and blow steam, and he immediately envisions his mom's great Exodus circa 1991-ish.

Has my entire family lost it???

And to top it all off, the psychologist asked me to give Logan a simple birds & bees talk. On the way home from school this morning, I asked him if he knew where babies came from, and he said when two people have sex. Gotta admit, I did a spit-take. I asked him who told him that, and he said that Dad did last night. Jokingly, I had told Billy that that was his job, but I had always expected to do it because I feel that Billy gives too much information for Logan to mull over--much more than he needs to get by, at this point. So I did a quick overview, and that was that. For now. Billy said that one of Logan's good friends had been talking about sex, but Logan didn't remember details of the conversation, but just that it was gross. Haha.

Honestly feel like I'm having the best week ever!

So, Yeah.

Just got back from the psychologist. It was as bad as I'd hoped. He actually had some really good ideas for Logan, but I did have to recap the whole stupid situation practically from conception to present. To top it all off, I am fasting until 7 p.m. just because and I have a headache. I am considering going to Melting Pot by myself tonight and drowning my sorrows in cheese.

On the plus side, I did vote (and I didn't even have to wait in line--how cool is that?!). And I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond when I realized the clock had not been correctly set in my car and I had an hour to spare before the psychologist's.... and there I found a returned Jack LaLane Power Juicer for $37. Pretty darn excited about that (hope it's not busted).

My head hurts.

Apparently Talking To Myself

In the past few months, I've come across several people in my circles of acquaintances (kids I went to school/college with, T-Tappers, etc.) who have kids with issues that instantly remind me of Hunter and Ethan. I offer encouragement, advice, recommendations for whom they should seek out to get professional opinions.... and I get nothing. No thanks, no nothing, just silence.

Do I stop saying anything?? Stop wasting my energy helping people who are either so far in denial that it wouldn't matter what I said, it's not gonna matter?

It's frustrating.