Ha Ha Ha

I just got back from therapy, and I just had to laaaaugh. Logan and I took advantage of a few minutes of free time and visited Barnes & Noble while the younger two were in their Occupational Therapy appointments. There, Logan picked out two Goosebumps books to read when he goes to visit Billy's cousin T.J. at his family's beach house this weekend. I don't remember what the other book was called, but I did allow him to start reading one of the books, titled "Monster Blood In My Breakfast" or something like that. Gross, right?!

Well, Logan is reading it all the way home from therapy (nearly an hour drive), when he starts groaning and tells me he doesn't feel very good all of the sudden. We are like two minutes from our house, so I tell him to hold on while I roll down the window so he can lean over Hunter to puke. He didn't end up needing to puke, but I think he is a little undecided as to whether the book made him sick or reading the book in the car made him feel sick.

And then I start laughing, wanting to slap myself for allowing a child who can make himself puke on command to read such a book.

If It Smells Like Funk It Must Be Funk

I'm better today, I think. I'm not sure why all of that hit me yesterday all of the sudden. Because, most days, I am just fine and my past lies dormant. My only guess is that it's just my first opportunity to witness a family member actually going off to college versus staying home and doing the community college thing. It brings back a lot of memories of what it was like to go away to school and those crazy first few days on campus. Oddly enough, I had a dream about it last night, too... Complete with re-starting a relationship with the other guy (who, for the record, is a sweetheart and still my friend) I was casually dating when I was with the "other dude". Anyhow, I was just in a weird spot. I talked with Billy about it for a while after I had gone out alone to go shopping, and I still couldn't really find the words to express the whirl of emotions going on... but I feel much better now. Well, besides the fact that I'm being lazy. But I'm going to blame that on Hunter coming to sleep with us last night (again!) and me trying to keep him snuggled up to me all night so he wouldn't kick Billy in the back and he could be rested for work. It was not very restful, that's for sure.

So, just wanted to say that while what I've done in my past doesn't define me... and I really don't think it defined me then, either... it definitely still is always a part of me. God has chosen to allow the pain of what I went through to remain for now, but I'm not angry about that. I'm just unsure of why, and it does make me feel a little sad.

But to--in not so many words--insinuate that in getting pregnant out of wedlock meant that I was choosing to not follow God and to, instead, follow the world was really not true. I'm not going into details, but I would like to say that I was in entirely the wrong place at the wrong time. I'll leave it at that.

But the blessings that come from being in the wrong place at the wrong time, I'm sure, outweigh the other paths my life could have taken. It still doesn't mean that that is a ton of consolation when I look back at the potential that (so far) has been wasted. By raising a family, I don't feel like I've failed.... but I feel like I am sorely unprepared to step up to the plate should the situation ever arise (and I desperately hope it never will). And my brain just feels a little stagnant, or maybe I feel like I'm not terribly gifted at any one thing, so I am doomed to be mediocre at everything.

Do you see what I mean? So many thoughts, so much lack of desire to burden you all with more than what I already have. But this is where I am.

Monkey in the Middle

Just got back from lunch with the family and close family friends.... and I am crashing. I don't readily know how many were there, but we always get our own room at the Chinese restaurant we eat at. And it was loud. Because I got there first, I kind of automatically gravitated towards the center of the adult table, across from my mom and next to my step-dad. Somehow it ended up that I got the seat next to my nephew T.J., who is cute as a button but very busy. On the other side of him was his mother, my "adopted" brother Brian, another lady from church, our pastor's wife. Loud ladies. On my other side (past Gordie) was Becki and a very unhappy Hailey, flanked by my teenage nephew Mat, his girlfriend, and the pastor's teenage son. Loud baby and teens. Opposite our table was the table of toddlers and pre-teens, many of whom found it necessary to travel (and frequently) to the small bathrooms in pairs or trios, which was making my mom nervous and grouchy.

I sat there for most of the meal, interjecting here and there as I could in the conversations from all sides. I am totally and utterly exhausted from the chaos of it all--which is odd, because this is my family and I should be more than used to the insanity after all these years. It was just A LOT today. And I've been thinking about it a lot because my nephew and his girlfriend are leaving for college in a couple of days. I've been unable to really connect with Mat to hang out before he leaves because, well, it's a busy time of life for him--totally understandable. I haven't taken it personally at all. I guess that it just took me by surprise when I found out that my sister Becki had plans to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with Mat before he left, and had already done so with his girlfriend. So many emotions thinking about that, can't even put it into words.... And not really going to try. Made me feel a little, to be totally and completely dramatic, melancholy. Guess no one's really jumping up and down to have the sister who got pregnant at a Christian college give their kids a "being good" pep talk! Haha.

But, really.

What can I say? The topic keeps coming up that kids will go away to school and choose their own path, make their own decisions, and parents have to step back and let it happen, for the most part. And I always get really quiet when this topic comes up--because I feel like, even though maybe they don't even think about my situation (or maybe they do, and that makes it all the more hurtful), what happened to me was me choosing wrong and throwing my life away. Or maybe this is me being overly sensitive.

A friend told me once that scars can't heal if we keep picking at them, which, at the time, seemed like good advice but now grates on my nerves if I think about it too often. Those scars will always be there, and I'll always feel the pain and the guilt associated with those scars. I don't know what it could possibly be like to not have those things, those memories, lurking in the back of my mind. But, I digress.

My mind is going a million miles a minute.

Another topic of conversation came up where Melinda had told Mat that he probably wouldn't stay in contact with his high school friends once he left for college, and that he would find his true friends in college. I said nothing, because, in my case, all of my best friends are the best friends I had in high school. I found that, under my circumstances, almost all of my college friends just dropped out of my life fairly effortlessly.... it was actually rather hurtful. So, again, I bit my tongue and just listened.

My piece of advice to all of the kids heading off to school is to have a good plan for what you are going to do when there is a lot of stress--and, in my case, roommate conflicts. I didn't know what to do, and it was too much for me.

I feel like I am jumping from topic to topic to topic here, but I just don't know. There is a twist in my stomach and I want to eat something, so I'm guessing I'm just struggling with a lot of drudged up feelings as the kids get ready to head off to school. Just sucks a little.