I'm better today, I think. I'm not sure why all of that hit me yesterday all of the sudden. Because, most days, I am just fine and my past lies dormant. My only guess is that it's just my first opportunity to witness a family member actually going off to college versus staying home and doing the community college thing. It brings back a lot of memories of what it was like to go away to school and those crazy first few days on campus. Oddly enough, I had a dream about it last night, too... Complete with re-starting a relationship with the other guy (who, for the record, is a sweetheart and still my friend) I was casually dating when I was with the "other dude". Anyhow, I was just in a weird spot. I talked with Billy about it for a while after I had gone out alone to go shopping, and I still couldn't really find the words to express the whirl of emotions going on... but I feel much better now. Well, besides the fact that I'm being lazy. But I'm going to blame that on Hunter coming to sleep with us last night (again!) and me trying to keep him snuggled up to me all night so he wouldn't kick Billy in the back and he could be rested for work. It was not very restful, that's for sure.
So, just wanted to say that while what I've done in my past doesn't define me... and I really don't think it defined me then, either... it definitely still is always a part of me. God has chosen to allow the pain of what I went through to remain for now, but I'm not angry about that. I'm just unsure of why, and it does make me feel a little sad.
But to--in not so many words--insinuate that in getting pregnant out of wedlock meant that I was choosing to not follow God and to, instead, follow the world was really not true. I'm not going into details, but I would like to say that I was in entirely the wrong place at the wrong time. I'll leave it at that.
But the blessings that come from being in the wrong place at the wrong time, I'm sure, outweigh the other paths my life could have taken. It still doesn't mean that that is a ton of consolation when I look back at the potential that (so far) has been wasted. By raising a family, I don't feel like I've failed.... but I feel like I am sorely unprepared to step up to the plate should the situation ever arise (and I desperately hope it never will). And my brain just feels a little stagnant, or maybe I feel like I'm not terribly gifted at any one thing, so I am doomed to be mediocre at everything.
Do you see what I mean? So many thoughts, so much lack of desire to burden you all with more than what I already have. But this is where I am.
....and then there were 5.
11 years ago
2 comments:
ugh. I hope you did not think I was saying that you choose not to follow the word of God. Tht was not what I meant at all.
And your blogs aren't burdensome. I told ya how much I like them. They make me think about things.
Oh, no no no, I wasn't talking about anything you had said. Don't worry.
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