Seriously, Y'all.

I am having a day when I can't remember why I got married.

Not very long after I wrote the aforementioned blog, the hubby texts me and tells me that he is looking for a job and I will have to get a job, too. I am supposed to let him know what days and times he can work so he can tell prospective employers.

Okay.

So lemme get this straight. I am supposed to find a job to work nights so you can work all day while I'm home or at therapy with the kids. Or, find a job that is cool with me working in two-hour shifts most days of the week and putting kids in daycare. What exactly has he not figured out about my schedule??

The best I can come up with was a gracious offer from Wendy to let me clean up after her births when they happen to end in the middle of the night or very, very early morning. When I tell Billy this, he says, "That might work."

He called me just a minute ago, asking if I was still mad, and when I told him I wasn't happy, he told me I could call him back when I was happy. Then he hung up on me without saying good-bye.

I'm seriously, seriously, seriously at a loss.

I was never MAD at him before, I was worried about our situation. It doesn't seem like the correct response, to me, when someone says they aren't feeling provided for, to--in essence--say, "okay, I'm not sorry you feel that way, and, oh, by the way.... you get a job."

Earlier I was just feeling disappointed, now I'm absolutely livid.

Foot In Mouth Disease

You ever say something to someone, no matter how true it is or no matter how much that person needs to hear it, and immediately wish you'd kept your mouth shut? It seems to be happening to me a lot lately. It's not that I'm trying to mean or confrontational--though I may be both and I'm just in denial--but I am trying to be as honest as I possibly can. I spent most of the night in fitful sleep with a baby nursing most of the time, so I am cranky and frustrated. But I feel like this was something I needed to share all of the sudden.....

I told my husband that I didn't trust him to provide for me.

Yeah, really.

Cue the dramatic music and silence for the rest of the morning until he left for work without saying good-bye.

Before you say it, I'll say it. That was dumb of me. But not untrue. He has a job that is sketchy, in terms of financial gain, and has been sketchy for months. He spends a whole day away from me to net us a glorious $75 sometimes, and often he burns half of that in fuel just driving to and from the job. I've had to suck up my pride and ask for help with bills with disturbing frequency. So, no, I guess that deep down I don't trust him to provide, though I know he is trying and that he fervently loves us.

What would you have done? I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't personally contribute to our income at this point in time, but this job is barely paying. We seem to be stuck in limbo, waiting for our ship to come in, but I think maybe God is telling me that we can't wait anymore. I just wish I could have expressed it a little more gently....