Where has the time gone?

Wow... it has been a month since my last post... I can tell you why, too. It's because nothing of real significance is going on here. Either that, or I've been in a bad mood and didn't want to post it for the whole world (and my entire family) to read.

For those of you familiar with the postpartum depression saga I endured (just barely!) after Hunter, I am happy to say that this time around it's about 50% better. I am not saying I don't have "those days" anymore, but I think that I am so much more used to the lack of freedom that having a baby means that it wasn't as big of a slap in the face after having Ethan. I know that sounds cruel, like having a baby sucks all the life out of you.... But it was a little bit true, after having Hunter. I had been living a life where I was able to go to the Y for a few hours, several times a week. I could walk my dog without messing with strollers and bundling up babies. I could go jump on a horse if I felt daring enough to do it in winter temps. I could go into the bike store and actually bring in a little bit of a paycheck. Logan was in school, after all. When I had Hunter, this came to a dead, screeching halt. We won't even mention that I was also in the process of building the new house, selling the old, and babysitting a neurotic German Shepherd that insisted on being at my side at all times when not tormenting the other two dogs. And did I mention my husband was working far too much overtime?

So this time, situations are a bit different. Logan is in school, but now I have to drive 25 minutes each way to pick him up instead of the five minutes we were dealing with when Hunter was a baby.... and I have to pack up two children to do so. The dogs are still here, and much more manageable now that we have an invisible fence and they can no longer roam the neighborhood (and I don't have to walk out with one of them on a leash now, YAY!!!). I have only been able to stare at the horses for about three years, so what's new about that?? And, yep, Billy is still working the big overtime and not seeing checks that would prove it.

I am trying my hardest to be good at being a stay-at-home mom. I am cooking, planning grocery strategies (complete with coupons, which is a big first for me), taking care of all of the animals, trying to pick up after Hunter and everyone else, etc. I figure that since I can't get an out-of-the house job due to Billy's erratic work schedule, I will try to save money in the places I can. I am working on a budget, getting tips from Dave Ramsey's website. I dropped DirectTV, for goodness sake, which is a big deal to anyone who knows me (I am a HUGE TiVo junkie). I am packing lunches. I am babysitting. I am selling things on eBay. I am training to do a call-center job at home in my SPARE TIME (HA!!). I am trying to drum up more transcription work, with no success so far. I am doing just about everything I can think of to make my house welcoming to Billy when he comes home from work, short of real deep-cleaning. It is difficult to get it all done between Ethan and Hunter, as they don't seem to coordinate napping, and Ethan only takes cat naps during the day, anyway. It seems like he is always crying as I'm trying to finish SOMETHING up (including showering).

I think that potentially I may have a breakdown just trying to keep it all going. I reached a really low point last night when Billy decided to lay down with Hunter, who didn't want to sleep in his room alone. This was after I had only seen him for maybe two hours (if that). I knew he would fall asleep in Hunter's room, so I proceeded to take care of what needed to be done--including things that he should have done, such as taking out the garbage--all while listening to Ethan fussing in the bedroom, waiting to be fed.

I guess it was frustrating to me because I had been up since 4 or 5 a.m., and I didn't get to go to bed until 11 p.m. And when I woke up this morning, I proceeded to find dirty laundry left all over the place. This is a minor issue, really it is. It's just grating to me because... Oh, I don't know....

I do so hate to post these negative entries, but I've needed to vent for a while. I am not in bad shape, really, but I certainly know I'm not 100%. I am praying to God to take away this negativity, so I'm trusting that it will happen.