Just so SOMETHING...

Wish I could put my finger on the feeling I'm having lately. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I guess, and for no particular reason. Life isn't going badly, I just feel responsible for so much and yet feel that I can get little to no traction in taking care of what I'm supposed to.

The last couple of days I've spent the whole day on the computer, researching lots of things that could save some money (health and life insurance, recipe databases, Dave Ramsey's forums, etc.). So, I've been sitting on my butt for two days, feeling a lot like I'm ignoring everything and everyone else.

Frustrated because I just want to get this show on the road. I want to ride the horses while I have the good weather, but I never am childless and there's been something going on when Billy's been home. Not to mention I'm discouraged because I found a huge chunk of skin missing from Trinity's jaw (right where the noseband of her halter was) yesterday... very gross... and at least three of four horses have scratches from being in the new pasture and standing in mud. And it's impossible to keep them clean when the muck behind the barn is a foot deep because the tractors are broken and the farmer down the road broke the tractor he uses for this purpose, too, so can't be hired to do it for us. Ugh.

Restless because I want to order up the books so I can start my personal trainer certification so I can be one step closer to being a T-Tapp trainer, and doing something, professionally, that I am really passionate about. But the only way I can do that is to charge it, and I'm trying to avoid using the credit card in the spirit of getting out of debt (or at least not compound it any further than necessary).

Ticked off because of a situation going on with someone else in my family that I can't talk about, that I can't control, but also is, ultimately, my business. It's stupid and infuriating, and I could be blowing it out of proportion, but I'm pretty sure my view is valid.

Let down because I stayed home with Logan (a.k.a. sick boy) tonight when Billy went to his mom's birthday party. Billy had planned on taking both Ethan and Hunter there, as well, but Ethan was going to go there with head spinning and pea soup shooting out of his mouth... So being the supportive wife I try to be, I offered to let Ethan stay home so Billy didn't have to chase him around his grandparents' condo with all of the potential hazards that are there, as a non-kid-proofed home. I had plans to ride the horses while Logan rested, that's why I was disappointed, but I did what I felt the unselfish thing was.

I want to shop. I want to spend approximately $2000 right now. Right now. I have been resisting the overwhelming shopping urge for nearly a week, with the exception of a trip to Barnes & Noble yesterday during therapy, where I picked up a cheap fiction work, then two business books for Billy and I. Gotta admit, that was NOT at all fulfilling.

Sad because my mom asked me to visit my grandparents while my parents are out of state. She told me she was afraid they are shriveling up, getting ready to die, and it would mean a lot to them to have some visitors. They feel like no one cares about them. And that deeply hurts my heart. My grandparents are the best and I feel like they never truly appreciate how much I care for them.

And, another thing, I am tired of people thinking that just because I don't call or visit doesn't mean that I don't care. I get this guilt trip from my dad every time he calls me. I know that sounds like I definitely am the bad guy, but I call people when I can hear myself think. And I get voicemails most of the time... and people don't call back, or call back weeks later, including my own dad--who then blames me for being a stranger. Throw me a friggin' bone!! I love the man, but he is insanely busy. Why should I feel guilty?

Contrary to what you may think while reading this, I'm not in a bad mood; however, I DO feel like my spirit is very heavy. I'm lacking direction, lacking resources to get where I want to go, and just wishing that keeping in touch and showing my love to people was as easy as saying "I love you" out loud, no matter where I am or what I am doing at any moment of the day, and they would know without any shadow of the doubt that I did care.

Double sigh.