A brief history and a realization I've got cabin fever.

I think that, overall, I've been in a better mood with the exception of today. And I'm not in a bad mood, really. I'm just feeling kind of trapped. There are many things I need to do, but it is COLD outside, and it takes a lot of effort for me to think about packing kids up to brave the (almost) sub-zero temperatures we've been having here lately.

Billy asked me what I wanted for Christmas while we were out celebrating our anniversary on Saturday. I told him very honestly that all I want to be able to do is spend time with my horses sometimes. I mean, honestly, I can't even feed the horses without taking the kids because it makes my mother paranoid that I should leave them in the house for 10 minutes by themselves. Monday rolls around, and Billy is off work when it is daylight. He says, "why don't you go spend time with your horses?" I look outside and it is blowing snow almost horizontally, the wind is that strong.... and it's basically blizzarding. What am I supposed to say? At some point he will stop offering because I always say no when he gives me the chance, but let's be a little realistic about this. I can't RIDE in this weather. I should've gone down and just hung out with them, but then I get all guilty about what Billy could be doing while I'm riding. I gave up riding this year so he could do the things he needed to do on what little time he has off work, and it has been extremely hard on me.

In the midst of not knowing what else to do, I've, ironically, taken it upon myself to researching buying my own horse trailer so I no longer have to rely on my parents for use of theirs. This is really only an issue in the winter, when it is full of whatever patio furniture they need to store. But I am also looking for a trailer that can fit 3-4 horses plus my tack, which this one can't. I've spent hours searching, but I think to myself, "Why? I can't even leave the house long enough to feed my horses. Why buy a trailer?" It's a good question, and one I can't answer right now. It seems to plant this hope in my heart that I will get to ride again someday. And don't think I'm stupid when I tell you I'm balling my eyes out right now.

Most people don't realize what horses are to me, so it seems silly that I should be taking it so hard that I've not been able to spend much time with them lately. I'm not sure I can put it into words, exactly, but I'll try. When other 8-year-old kids were watching cartoons, I was riding my pony, Pepper. I lost my pony when I was about 13 or 14 years old to cancer. Almost exactly six months to the day after losing Fansi's mom, Felicia (also traumatic, I went to school the day after I found her in her stall, and my English teacher made me cry in front of my class—and not because she was being nice).

My parents bought me Moe to "replace" Pepper, and I spent the day with Moe at another barn while the vet was out putting Pepper to sleep. I left Pepper that morning with a hug. When I came back, and he was gone, I found his hair still on my sweater. I still have his picture and pieces of that hair saved from my sweater in an album somewhere. I put my energy into 6-year-old Moe, a spindly-legged guy that ran into a stack of wood the first time I rode him (yet I STILL bought him. You would've thought I could take a hint.) He wasn't conventionally smart or gifted, and didn't have much going for him in the areas of conformation.... but he eased the pain. We have done everything together. I got through his phase of falling down because he was trying to trot and itch his head at the same time. I got through his phase of collapsing when he finished jumping and my trainer said “Good boy! You’re done!” The crooked finger I got from falling off him at an event. And all the scabs I’ve picked over the years (ick!). 12 years later, I know him like the back of my hand. I don’t like to think of a life without him.

Fansi has been my baby from day one. As a 13-year-old, I had no concept of what to do with a foal. So, she was spoiled and rotten; but she gave the best hugs! We sent her to be trained under saddle the winter of my senior year. While other kids were doing senior activities, I was driving out to Goodrich to ride my little pony. The first time I rode her, too, I ended up in a pile of shavings because the saddle slipped totally off to the side (which is still a problem to this day). We almost lost her the following spring to a case of founder. I was away at college, but my parents loved her enough to do what they could to keep her alive—which I’ll be the first to admit was a TON of work. We almost lost her again a year ago this past September to colic while Billy was on a missions trip in Costa Rica. I was left to agonize over whether to spend the money she needed to live or put her to sleep because “she’s not worth that kind of money.” She pulled through fine, but it was very touch and go for a while.

I am still learning about Trinity, but for the two years I’ve had her, she has been a wonderful horse. I especially enjoy (uh, no) the way she chases dogs because she is tired of being chased by them herself. I enjoy knowing that what I see is what I’ve done—I took her from a horse that didn’t really steer or walk much with a person on her to one who does very well just about anything I ask of her. I look forward to seeing what she has in store for me in the future.

But all that was a tangent. What I’m trying to say is that horses are what I’m good at. And I wouldn’t even say I’m really all that good at them, but they are the one thing I’ve ever wanted to be good at, and have wanted to practice. I would rather spend time in a barn just watching people ride than do just about anything else. I spent an entire one of my birthdays working at the barn I was a working student at, from early in the morning until late in the evening—just because I could, not because I had to. When my step-dad said once I discovered boys I’d stop riding…. Once I discovered cars I’d stop riding… Once I graduated high school I’d stop riding…. Once I got married…. You get the idea. I proved him wrong. And now here I am, desperately wanting to ride and not knowing what way to turn.

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I've also spend a lot of the day fishing odd toys out of Izzy & Abby's mouths. Logan is not grasping the concept that he needs to take responsibility of these things. And tonight I came downstairs to find Logan's brand-new winter hat chewed to bits. My dogs are bored.... It's because I don't feel like I can go outside. I can't tell you how long it's been since they've been on a walk.