Feeling childish, but not feeling wrong.

Sunday was a real low point for me, without a doubt. Honestly, the whole weekend didn't really go according to schedule... I suppose it really didn't hit me until Sunday that that wasn't okay with me. I felt the right thing, at the time, was to let Billy get things accomplished and eventually I would get my turn. When that didn't happen, and continued not to happen, I guess that's where it hit me that this summer is a lot like last summer--which was, admittedly, the worst summer of my life to date.

Yesterday morning I woke up upset, let the dogs out, fed the cats, and by the time I got back downstairs, Billy had changed Hunter and had him eating in his high chair. I managed to not speak to the man for nearly two hours in the morning, making it to JUST after I finished my T-tapp workout and was heading for the shower. No apologies, he just told me he knew I was mad, and he claims to have told the family that I was mad at everyone, and that's why I wasn't coming outside. This is very far from the truth, as YOU know and I know, but this is sometimes what my husband does to place himself in water that's a little more of a comfy temperature. It generally does not work, and it did irk me off yesterday, too.

He tells me he's not going to the party at my mom's, so eventually, after cleaning up the house a bit, I leave on the golf cart with Hunter. I arrive at the lunch in time for the desserts to be put out. This is problematic because I was trying to go through the food line with Hunter in one arm (WHERE'S the high chair???? I didn't see it anywhere) and my plate in another. I only made it halfway down the first counter because I couldn't move past my aunt, who was helping kids get desserts, and also I was getting cut off by other people trying to get desserts. At one point in this process, I put my plate down on a table and went to my mom's room to regroup. This is when I decided I would eat what I had managed to get on my plate before trying to get any further through the line. I put Hunter down somewhere, and went to sit down. Somehow, Hunter got fed on the run by my mom, which I was very thankful for. Logan had eaten before I got there, so for that I was also thankful.

Eventually we swam. Hunter and I got out just in time to be joined by one of my closest friends, Faye, whom I went to high school with. We went home, dropped off Hunter (who was ready for a nap after all the swimming) and went to buy dinner stuff at Meijer's. When I came back, everyone was riding dirtbikes and four-wheelers again. We made dinner--the collective we, meaning Billy and Brian did come inside to cook steaks--and watched The Rock (Sean Connery.... Need I say more?).

It is important to note that Billy accomplished little to nothing. He later told me the door had fallen off the shed and he had spent all afternoon putting that back on. It's almost infuriating to me, because for the entire holiday weekend (not counting Friday) that I sat, believing I was contributing to getting things done there was almost nothing to show me that anything had been done.

I suppose this comes on the heels of a comment he made to me last weekend, when I spent an hour at the barn cleaning stalls. "I didn't get anything done," he said. "Logan wouldn't go to bed, and Hunter kept getting his legs stuck in the bars of the crib, so he wouldn't sleep either." He said something negative about how long it had taken me to come back from the barn, when my main reason for going there was to spray the horses for flies. He then fell into a deep sleep. I did bite my lip, kept myself from saying something that I would regret at the time, but.... I mean.... C'mon! I told him the next day that that had really hurt my feelings, and asked him how he thought I got things done when the kids were home. He said, "You don't." And then I practically gave him a handshake and welcomed him to my world.

WHY IS THIS SO HARD???? I just vent here because it doesn't seem to make a difference when I try to communicate this stuff to Billy. I am the one with the problem, or so it seems, and..... wooo... stay away from Jen because maybe she will get mad at you for no reason. I don't think I'm being entirely unreasonable. And I guess I don't know what I want him to do for me. I just feel that what I do is clean the house (in order for my entire family to turn around and trash immediately) and watch kids. I am battling with this right now, because I feel very underequipped to be raising three kids (soon).... as I don't really have things together watching TWO kids.

And I feel like, in the scope of all of it, it doesn't matter a whole lot--at least, not to the person I really need to most help from.