Not liking me much.

I am currently very unimpressed with the person I am. I guess the day was going okay, but... Nah, come to think of it, I have been wound up a little tight today. This is all culminating in the feeling that I am feeling very out of control, and it's a stifling feeling, like where can I go to escape this? What can I do to escape this? I am boiling inside--sometimes a fearsome boil, sometimes just a slow simmer, but always there--and I don't know why.

Hunter's birthday wasn't as I planned, and maybe that started it out. Billy was there, but Logan went with the Pinters to celebrate Lucas' birthday. In the meantime, I was balancing the checkbook (which is always a volatile experience, as we're usually scrounging to make two house payments, two sets of utilities, etc.). I got upset because Billy keeps taking checks and not telling me amounts or giving me receipts. I am missing two checks for unknown amounts (I know they are small amounts because of supposedly where they were used, I just can't balance my checkbook this way). I ended up leaving our house at 8:30 p.m. to drive to pick up my typing, take something back to OfficeMax, and pick up something to eat.

Today is more of the same mundane stuff. I was upset because of the builder, even though there is nothing new to that story.... just looking over at Becki & Rich's house reminded me. I was upset because Billy's work hasn't paid him his overtime in two months, and Billy's not really too concerned about it (don't get me started!). I am upset because every time I try to put Hunter down for a nap, he refuses. He wants to be held, and I just CAN'T. I am upset about Hunter refusing to nap because I have almost a week's worth of typing to do in one day due to an emergency at the doctor's office that left them unable to leave my work out for me last weekend. I can't type for two hours when Hunter won't sleep.

On the way to pick Logan up from school I was listening to Avril Lavigne's new CD, and one of the songs made me start thinking about my grandparents, and how devastated I'll be when they pass away. I was crying! I don't know why it hit me like that. I've heard that song a dozen times.

I am currently upset because I let the dogs outside to go potty before giving them their dinner, and Abby took off to Wendy & Jayson's yard. THE ONE TIME I LET HER OFF THE LEASH. Billy does this all the time, and they come right back. I have no clue where she is now. It made me so upset I swore. I don't ever swear.... at least, not out loud. I swore in front of Logan. It didn't take much time for me to be withered up in a corner, trying to regain my compsure, but failing miserably to calm down the knots in my stomach.

What is going on???? I haven't exercised in two days, as that's my new schedule (every two days). Do I need more exercise than that?

I don't like who I've become, and if I could go somewhere to just be, that would be fabulous with me. Of course I can't, and I won't, but the idea sounds like heaven. And the thought that I can voice it like this is almost terrifying.

I'm missing the spark of life and that spark of love... Looking back at the path my life has taken and seeing where I faltered and fell haunts me. It's not something many in my family have any clue about, and I can't even find the words to bring it to light now. It effects me to my very core, and even my husband doesn't understand, nor can he help. In fact, every day forward, I feel, is a step backwards. I'm not growing in any sensible direction, and it snuffs the hope of ever becoming someone I can tolerate.

As I have been typing, I took a break to look for Abby. I can see her in the subdivision behind ours, pestering someone trying to get in their car. I am angry, and she continues to ignore me. Guess it serves me right for not putting on my boots and walking out into the frozen yard to take her potty. I'm pretty tired of it, though. The slush froze in icy peaks, so it's pretty dangerous to walk on. The dogs reach the end of the leash and yank me off balance every now and then, which is not a good combo with the ice.